There is no greater feeling than “completing” someone. You wouldn’t think of it as much, but seeing “she completes me” written to your current partner’s ex really warms your heart. You know? Knowing that someone loves you with all their heart, forever and always, and knowing that they won’t give up on you-that’s really fucking special. I’ve found who I’ve been looking for. <3
I never met Tyler, but damnit, the memories I associate with him will always haunt me. It was a traumatizing experience, and I will always be overcome with sadness when I think about him. Yeah, maybe he had a good life, but it was way too fucking short.
Getting a call from your friend’s (at the time Alyssa was just my friend) mom at 12:30am on a Friday night after only speaking with her casually on Facebook…handing the phone to your friend because you figured her mom mis-dialed, seeing your friend nearly collapse after hearing the news, frantically running to find your friend’s co-ra to tell her the situation, running to your friend’s room to stuff clothes in a bag, not knowing how long she will be gone. Calling your boyfriend at the time, and your aunt, trying to let everyone know you were safe, but that you needed to drive 3 hours in the pouring rain in the middle of the night, and trying to calm your friend down enough to get her in the car to leave. Navigating downtown Indianapolis for the first time in the dark, fighting throwing up because you’re so nervous, sad, and scared, listening to your friend call her ex boyfriend because she doesn’t know what else to do, stopping at a deserted gas station halfway home because you’re so nervous and tense that you’re physically ill. Pulling into the driveway after unknowingly driving past the scene of the accident, staring everyone in the house in the eye and meeting them for the first time under the circumstances, sitting awkwardly on a hard chair waiting for someone to breathe or move. Comforting your friend during the sleepless nights you share, making 2 separate trips in the next 3 days in order to make it to the services, and all of the repercussions. I still get sad sometimes late at night, and I can’t help but miss him, even though I never met him. Every time I think of him, and of the family, my heart sinks a little more, because I know Tyler will never be back physically on Earth. He is very spiritually alive, and I hope he continues that.
Finding dimes, watching his mom search for her glasses that were moved by him, sitting by his grave and reminiscing with his friends and family. Looking at his bed every time you reach the top of the stairs at his house, seeing his truck, hearing “Gimme That Girl” and “I Drive Your Truck” on the radio and not trying to resist the urge to blast them, and seeing all the plaid worn by the kids at his high school every Friday. He lives on. <3
Saying your opinion on gay marriage without asking my feelings or background will end badly. I’ll get really upset, but continue to bite my tongue because I need a job and don’t want to embarass you and put you on the spot. I’ll have hypothetical conversations inside my head with you about things that maybe I should have said. Like “oh I’m sorry, I didn’t know you were gay…” Ummm, I didn’t know you were so ignorant, but I put the pieces together and figured it out on my own. If you weren’t the reason I had a job, damn straight i’d call you out. You never even asked, you just started rambling and preaching. It hurt, and pretending to stay busy while you were talking is the only thing that kept me from crying.
And P.S.: a civil union is nice, but I want to be married, damnit, not civally united.
I’m pretty sure Alyssa is planning on sleeping all day. We’re supposed to go apartment hunting, which I find super stressful, because every single place we’ve looked into has some negative reviews and I just don’t know what to believe. I’m not ready for responsibility yet! Let’s just say, I better make bank working all summer.
A little note about how I work when I’m upset…
I wish people would take the time to understand that when I’m upset about anything, whether it be that I got rained on walking to my car, or that I failed a test, or whatever, I don’t feel like talking about it.
I’m actually pretty reserved, and when people try repeatedly to break through the wall that I’ve put up, I build the wall stronger, so no one can get in. If I trust you enough to tell you EVERYTHING about my life, you should feel pretty damn lucky. I only have a handful of people who fall into this category, and only one of them lives in Indiana. That’s right, after all this time, I still have more people in Vermont that I can trust. It’s like, no matter how long I’ve been away from these people, these confidants, they will always be there. It’s a really nice feeling, knowing that I have people who will listen without judging, and love without thinking.
Alyssa is the only person I can fully trust here. I tell her everything, and she is my rock. I have friends, don’t get me wrong, but I’ve been more reserved recently, because I’ve felt overwhelmed by people. From people asking what’s wrong, to people looking at me funny when I’m sitting around looking sad. I’m just sick of it.
I wish it was possible for people to understand me, without me having to explain that when I shut down and stop talking to me, trying to break me down and make me cave in will NOT work. It makes things worse.
I get that you’re trying to be a good friend to me, but…just stop. It’s hurting me. I’ll come to you if and when I’m ready. Sometimes I want to cry, and that’s ok. Sometimes I want to be alone, sometimes for days, and that’s ok too. Just show me some respect, please.
Fuck packing.
Yes, that is all.
It’s really stupid of me to be so frustrated with a person who makes an effort to ask me questions about everything going on in my life, but I just need some space, damnit! I am not, and never will be a person who spills everything to anyone who asks. For the most part, I’m pretty reserved, and I’ll only talk to you if I want to. If I’m not comfortable talking about something, or if I’m upset, I shut down and only say what I want to say.
It’s kind of weird that some people in my life haven’t figured that out yet. Like, if I don’t respond to one of your questions, don’t ask again, and don’t ask anything else to get me to respond. Just give me some damn space.
At the end, we all look up at the same sky.
Well then…
FUCK! Just leave me alone. We both moved on, and I’m happy now. I know you miss me, but you don’t have to tell me every fucking time you text me. Get over it and move on. We were close, and now we’re not…you’re right. Accept it!
End rant.
I really wanted to show off my new nose ring…I am so totally in love!!!! :)
Everyone from my past is coming back to haunt me.
I don’t know if I like it.
Stigma
Flipping through pictures, reminiscing about the good days when all we saw were smiles. A family coming together, sharing memories, and searching for something beautiful in this dark, cruel world. But now we’re left with the darkness, for the beauty has been taken from us. Evil has taken over, and no matter how hard we fight, try to escape, we’re drowning in lies and covering up truth. That’s all we know how to do in this life. A family is destroyed, a life is essentially destroyed. Stigmas affect us all, and for some, pushing and pushing to try to regain a feeling, a feeling of worthiness, just isn’t possible…especially when everyone else is fighting to push you back into the black hold where you were forced to go, because no one gives a damn about you. All they do is feed on the talk and the rumors, shutting you out of the world, until you’re so far away that you can’t come back. Please come back. We need you here.
