I’d rather be dead than be the reason you’re unhappy.
I don’t think you realize how serious I am when I say I would be dead without you. You give me life, hope, and love to keep me alive. Thank you.
Loving my amazing bracelet from thoseheavenlyregrets.tumblr.com :) I can’t wait for Alyssa to see hers! Thanks, Lindsay!!!
I just have this thing for gay guys. Like, I just find them insanely attractive.
I am so tired of feeling and looking like a huge fucking fat ass all the time. The worst part is, no matter how bad I know it’s getting, I don’t care enough to change. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
Welp, I’m going back to blonde again! Tomorrow, either Alyssa or I will dye it to make it even. We used some platinum blonde crap and as you can see, it’s beautiful at the roots, but PUMPKIN ORANGE towards the ends. It sucks, but it’ll be fixed! If only I could pull off being completely platinum blonde…
There is no greater feeling than “completing” someone. You wouldn’t think of it as much, but seeing “she completes me” written to your current partner’s ex really warms your heart. You know? Knowing that someone loves you with all their heart, forever and always, and knowing that they won’t give up on you-that’s really fucking special. I’ve found who I’ve been looking for. <3
I never met Tyler, but damnit, the memories I associate with him will always haunt me. It was a traumatizing experience, and I will always be overcome with sadness when I think about him. Yeah, maybe he had a good life, but it was way too fucking short.
Getting a call from your friend’s (at the time Alyssa was just my friend) mom at 12:30am on a Friday night after only speaking with her casually on Facebook…handing the phone to your friend because you figured her mom mis-dialed, seeing your friend nearly collapse after hearing the news, frantically running to find your friend’s co-ra to tell her the situation, running to your friend’s room to stuff clothes in a bag, not knowing how long she will be gone. Calling your boyfriend at the time, and your aunt, trying to let everyone know you were safe, but that you needed to drive 3 hours in the pouring rain in the middle of the night, and trying to calm your friend down enough to get her in the car to leave. Navigating downtown Indianapolis for the first time in the dark, fighting throwing up because you’re so nervous, sad, and scared, listening to your friend call her ex boyfriend because she doesn’t know what else to do, stopping at a deserted gas station halfway home because you’re so nervous and tense that you’re physically ill. Pulling into the driveway after unknowingly driving past the scene of the accident, staring everyone in the house in the eye and meeting them for the first time under the circumstances, sitting awkwardly on a hard chair waiting for someone to breathe or move. Comforting your friend during the sleepless nights you share, making 2 separate trips in the next 3 days in order to make it to the services, and all of the repercussions. I still get sad sometimes late at night, and I can’t help but miss him, even though I never met him. Every time I think of him, and of the family, my heart sinks a little more, because I know Tyler will never be back physically on Earth. He is very spiritually alive, and I hope he continues that.
Finding dimes, watching his mom search for her glasses that were moved by him, sitting by his grave and reminiscing with his friends and family. Looking at his bed every time you reach the top of the stairs at his house, seeing his truck, hearing “Gimme That Girl” and “I Drive Your Truck” on the radio and not trying to resist the urge to blast them, and seeing all the plaid worn by the kids at his high school every Friday. He lives on. <3
Saying your opinion on gay marriage without asking my feelings or background will end badly. I’ll get really upset, but continue to bite my tongue because I need a job and don’t want to embarass you and put you on the spot. I’ll have hypothetical conversations inside my head with you about things that maybe I should have said. Like “oh I’m sorry, I didn’t know you were gay…” Ummm, I didn’t know you were so ignorant, but I put the pieces together and figured it out on my own. If you weren’t the reason I had a job, damn straight i’d call you out. You never even asked, you just started rambling and preaching. It hurt, and pretending to stay busy while you were talking is the only thing that kept me from crying.
And P.S.: a civil union is nice, but I want to be married, damnit, not civally united.
I’m pretty sure Alyssa is planning on sleeping all day. We’re supposed to go apartment hunting, which I find super stressful, because every single place we’ve looked into has some negative reviews and I just don’t know what to believe. I’m not ready for responsibility yet! Let’s just say, I better make bank working all summer.
I wish people would take the time to understand that when I’m upset about anything, whether it be that I got rained on walking to my car, or that I failed a test, or whatever, I don’t feel like talking about it.
I’m actually pretty reserved, and when people try repeatedly to break through the wall that I’ve put up, I build the wall stronger, so no one can get in. If I trust you enough to tell you EVERYTHING about my life, you should feel pretty damn lucky. I only have a handful of people who fall into this category, and only one of them lives in Indiana. That’s right, after all this time, I still have more people in Vermont that I can trust. It’s like, no matter how long I’ve been away from these people, these confidants, they will always be there. It’s a really nice feeling, knowing that I have people who will listen without judging, and love without thinking.
Alyssa is the only person I can fully trust here. I tell her everything, and she is my rock. I have friends, don’t get me wrong, but I’ve been more reserved recently, because I’ve felt overwhelmed by people. From people asking what’s wrong, to people looking at me funny when I’m sitting around looking sad. I’m just sick of it.
I wish it was possible for people to understand me, without me having to explain that when I shut down and stop talking to me, trying to break me down and make me cave in will NOT work. It makes things worse.
I get that you’re trying to be a good friend to me, but…just stop. It’s hurting me. I’ll come to you if and when I’m ready. Sometimes I want to cry, and that’s ok. Sometimes I want to be alone, sometimes for days, and that’s ok too. Just show me some respect, please.
Yes, that is all.
“ I know these will all be stories someday. And our pictures will become old photographs. We’ll all become somebody’s mom or dad. But right now these moments are not stories. This is happening, I am here and I am looking at her. And she is so beautiful. I can see it. This one moment when you know you’re not a sad story. You are alive, and you stand up and see the lights on the buildings and everything that makes you wonder. And you’re listening to that song and that drive with the people you love most in this world. And in this moment I swear, we are infinite. ” <3 Perks of Being a Wallflower.