(this is the e-mail i wrote to my dad today, about everything that has happened…)
Hi Dad,I know you might not want to hear from me, but Helen suggested sending you an e-mail instead of calling for now. I know how hurt you felt when I announced my news on Facebook, and I realize that wasn’t the best way to go about things. I needed to get it out though, because holding it in wasn’t good, and it wasn’t fair. I’ve never been attracted to a girl before in my life, and Alyssa is the first, and maybe last, girl I will ever want to be in a relationship with. She has treated me better than Jake and Mark have, and even though they treated me well, she’s been more understanding, caring, and just better for me than they were. I keep hearing people say that they don’t fall in love with a certain gender, like males or females, but that they fall in love with a person, regardless of whether they are the same sex or the opposite sex. I think that’s what I do. I know you don’t know her, but you’d like her if you realized how good she is for me.I don’t know how long this will last; if it will be a few months, a few years, or forever, but I wanted to let you know that I hope you love me just the same. Conforming in society is the easy way out, but I wasn’t about to turn this down, since I feel like it’s what I need at this time. This is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do before, and I hope you understand it wasn’t easy for me. I thought I was prepared for peoples’ reactions, but I really wasn’t. I cried on and off the whole day after I told people. It was so hard.I didn’t choose for this to happen, it just did. I can’t fight things like this, because it just doesn’t work that way. You did nothing wrong in raising me, it’s nothing like that at all. I don’t understand why some people are straight and some people are gay (I don’t identify with either label…I’m just me), but it is what it is.I’m lucky that I’ve had so much support from other people so far, but the one person I don’t have it from who matters the most, is you. Now I’m not saying I want you to be excited about all of this, because I know this isn’t necessarily what you wanted, but I’m still the same person, I’ve just chosen to try things with Alyssa. I love you, and I value your opinion, and I always will. Just know that I can’t change who I am, and I hope you accept me for the person I am. I’m still your daughter, and I hope you still consider me to be your daughter. That’s all I’m asking for. Not support, just acceptance. I love you dad! Savannah
the tremendous amount of support i’ve received from friends, family, and almost complete strangers these past few days has been amazing. i am truly blessed to have people like this in my life. you know what? life might not always be easy, but it’s worth it, and i can tell by the support that’s been given to me, it will be worth it.
i went through a short period of time where i completely regretted making my little “announcement” on facebook, but you know what? i’m not ashamed to be who i am. there’s no point in hiding my true self. i know i’m beautiful, both inside and out, and just because i might not only be attracted to the opposite sex, doesn’t mean i’m worth any less than someone who will only be with the opposite sex.
so thank you, to everyone who has supported me so far, and thanks in advance to those who will share a few kind words, or touches, or anything else, to make me feel better about being myself.
by the way, don’t knock it til you try it ;) i’ve been wanting to say that allllll evening. seriously, if you’ve considered fooling around with a girl, or have had thoughts about trying out a relationship, i say go for it. it could turn into something wonderful. <3 <3
i came out on facebook last night. that’s right, i told the world i was dating a girl. i didn’t plan on writing about this yet because i don’t have all my thoughts together, but here it goes.
i was hesitant about it in the first place, coming out on facebook. here’s why i did it: why hide it anymore? new york had just passed the law to allow same sex marriage. this was exciting news for both the lbgt community AND its supporters (which i’d like to think is most of my friends), so i decided to share mine too. after all, it wasn’t fair to keep this from anyone, and since alyssa is more open about it, i decided to give it a try. no, i’m not a full on “lesbian”, i still like men, but this is just too right to pass up.
the very first thing, before the comments and “likes”, was my friend popping up on chat and saying “are you really?”. yes, i really am. then she kept asking questions, which is fine…i was just overwhelmed as it is.
then, a few people liked my status and commented with really nice and supportive things, but of course that couldn’t last long. i was so tense, and i was crying. whitney, a girl i’ve known for years, pops up on chat and says “YOU’RE A LESBIAN AND YOU DIDN’T TELL ME?!?!?!?!” followed by “some friend”. honestly, i blew a fucking gasket. i went off. and i shouldn’t have. she was joking, and explained things to me after that, which made me feel a bit better.
the “likes” and comments kept pouring in, but i knew i still had to face mark, my dad, my aunt, and my cousins.
the talk with mark went easier than i thought it would. like, a lot easier. he was really happy for me and was glad we saw eye to eye on the whole “this relationship isn’t working” deal. that was a relief.
when i woke up this morning, i mentally prepared myself before opening facebook. seven notifications. lovely. i got the nasty one from my dad that i had been waiting for, but the rest of them were nice comments. my dad’s comment just said “??????????? WTF”. expected. it hurt, and it hurt really bad. i cried, but i knew there were still other people i had to talk to.
my aunt was nice about it, and said i’m still her niece and she loves me no matter what. thank goodness, at least someone does!
ok, time for the jordan story. my fifteen year old cousin. the one who gets on my nerves 90% of the time, but is still one of the important ones. her tweets this morning included “my cousin is in a relationship with a girl #great” and #family reunions are about to be suuppeerrr awkward”. thanks jordan, thanks so much. you shallow, cold-hearted bitch.
today, overall, was a roller coaster. i found out that my dad defriended me on facebook. that was crazy, and i guess i know how he feels. he called me a failure once…i can only imagine what he thinks now.
alyssa’s mom flipped shit because we posted about it on facebook. apparently she’s afraid alyssa’s dad will find out. SERIOUSLY?! her dad is much more accepting than mine, and it just makes me so fucking angry that her mom wanted us to hide it.
part of me wishes i hadn’t even said anything, or made it “facebook official”. it’s become more of a burden than it’s worth.