this is a post completely and entirely for you and about you. i told you earlier that my two most recent text posts landed on 1991 (the year i was born) and 2000 (just a good number)…well, this post is number 2011. for the present, for right now. i feel like what i’m about to write, you need to hear. ok here we go, are you listening?
ok good. here i am, sitting at home on facebook and tumblr enjoying my homemade strawberry banana smoothie, and you just got back from your walk. we both had a pretty busy day today, mostly physically. i push mowed the entire lawn, and you helped open the pool and went for a 2.3 mile walk.
when i was helping get the smoothies together, i broke the bananas apart with my fingers, and you know what i thought of? you. remember when you showed me how bananas break into threes when you pinch them together? i do, and that’s what i thought of.
anyway! the whole point of this post is to tell you what you mean to me. it might sound cheesy, but i feel like it needs to be done. especially now. we have a whole summer yet…we have to go two months without seeing each other and physically being with each other. yes, it’s going to be hard. possibly one of the hardest things i’ve ever had to do. but you know what? we’re going to make it.
you’re my other half, bug. you know more about me than any other person in this world. i swear. i love being with you, and i love being there for you. i always will be.
i feel like when tyler died, our relationship became more solid. it was a really emotional time for everyone, but i’m glad you were able to trust me and talk to me and cry with me. i hated seeing you in the state you were in, but you handled the situation better than i would have. i know that sometimes you feel like nobody cares about your grieving process, but i do. i’m not going to ask you to talk to me about it; i want you to start it. tell me anything you want…about tyler, about your family, about your response to the whole thing, to anything. i’m here to listen. that’s part of my job.
another thing: getting healthy. it’s a touchy topic for both of us right now, and i understand that. you’re worried, and i’m worried about you. we both need to get healthy, and i know that. i want you to show diabetes and your pos who’s boss. kick them in the ass and tell them you aren’t putting up with it anymore. you have a life to live, and only you can make it the best life possible. sure, i’ll be here for you through the whole thing, but ultimately, you’re the one with the ability to change. we’re doing this the healthy way. eating better foods, exercising daily (with the exception of one or two days for rest days), and changing our bad habits.
the consequence of getting healthy? the bad thoughts that come with it. you see it every day. girls who are so consumed with the way they look that they don’t eat. they slip into a dark state of mind that’s almost impossible to come out of. you’ve told me you’re worried about this. trust me, i am too. it’s such an easy thing to do. skip a meal or two a day, cut portion sizes, or even say that you “aren’t hungry”. i’m here for that too. i’ll keep you in check, and i hope you do the same thing for me. we’re in this together and at the end of summer, when i see you again, we’re going shopping. i can assure you that you won’t be in your size 18’s anymore if you keep up the good work you’re doing right now. it’ll be a huge confidence booster. for both of us.
i need you, and i need your family. i need everything about you. you keep me going, and you make me feel like the best person i can be. sure, i can be bitchy…quite a bit, but you put up with me anyway. we both have bad days, but on our good days, my god, we’re unstoppable. i love the relationship we have. it’s weird functioning away from you, but trust me, we can do it. you know you can come to me for anything, and i’ll listen, or i’ll tell you my opinion, or whatever it is that you want me to do.
we’ve been through quite a bit so far, so i say, bring it on world.
"DOUBT ME, THEN WATCH ME." <3 i love you!
(p.s.: any followers reading this, herowtherebeautiful.tumblr.com, that’s alyssa. that’s my other half.)
i almost didn’t answer this text last night. it was at about 2am, and i was just hanging in my room doing the usual tumblr, facebook, and texting thing. i probably shouldn’t have answered him, but i did.
the period of time that i didn’t talk to mark (about 1 and a half weeks), i worked on getting over him. i kept repeating to myself “he’s not what you need, you can do better”, and i know that both of these things are true. he texted me the other night too, and i talked to him for a little while, until i got so tired that i couldn’t focus on what either of us were saying.
i kept it casual, didn’t use pet names, and didn’t show him that i missed him or any of that crap. we talked about his day mostly, and his uncle who passed away a month or two ago. he told me he helped his cousin with moving yesterday and got a free tattoo out of the deal. that’s cool with me-he already had one, and i knew he had wanted one in memory of his uncle. he sent me a picture, then told me about the meaning. of course, being the humorous, horny, typical guy, when i mentioned that i was a little irish, but not enough to count, he came back with “lol. well a little is enough. plus ya get a little more in ya every now and then :D”. i called him nasty, and we joked about that for all of like five minutes. be proud of me, i didn’t lead him on or anything! go me!
after the tattoo talk was done, he said he’d be hiking up a mountain in saranac lake to spread his uncle’s ashes with family. it’s truly a sweet thing for him to go, and i’m glad he’s going. he confessed that he’d be crying. sure, i’ve seen mark cry before, but i didn’t think he’d admit it to me. maybe he just wanted me to feel bad. i did a little bit, but i know how death goes and the emotions that go with it.
i told him i had a headache, he mentioned that he was tired, and i told him to go to bed. he said he was headed there, so i said “ok goodnight!” and he replied “night xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo”.
i feel like he’s finally fucking realizing that this isn’t a one way thing, but you know what? it might be too late for him. i can’t keep getting played like this. it’s bad for me to keep this going, but i kind of want to. in a way, i want to treat him like he treated me. then we’ll see how he likes it.
no, this isn’t a headline from back in april, from northern indiana. this is a headline in the bennington banner, back home in vermont. apparently the other night, a girl and one of her friends were involved in a rollover accident in shaftsbury, about twenty minutes from my house. they both survived. the driver, megan sherwood, is seventeen. she’s still alive, and so is the passenger. her alcohol level was over .08.
i just can’t believe it. i’m mad that she’s alive and tyler isn’t. i know of her, though i’ve never met her before. she parties all the time, and isn’t involved with the best people. i think she’s a senior in high school…and their graduation is this coming weekend. i don’t know if she’ll be able to walk across the stage. the article didn’t tell what injuries she sustained; just that they were not life threatening. the article also doesn’t say if she was wearing a seatbelt or not, but she was ejected from the vehicle.
this is the same scenario as tyler’s. the exact same. i don’t wish that anyone was dead, but god, i wish tyler had survived his accident. i almost wrote “and i wish she died instead”, but i just said i wouldn’t wish for anyone to die. ugh. it’s just so stupid. do people not get what alcohol can do?!
she’s young, stupid, popular, pretty, and alive. what a combination. i guess it’s a typical combination, but ugh. the worst thing is, i can almost guarantee she’ll do it again. she’ll drink and drive. she won’t learn her lesson.
but you know what? i bet tyler did. even looking down from up in heaven, i can almost guarantee he learned from what he did. he’s seen the pain, the grief, and everything else. i really don’t think he understood the consequences other than death. it’s hard to say that, but i feel like it’s that way with everyone put into a crazy, unpredictable situation like that.
excuse me for saying this, but WHY IS SHE STILL ALIVE?!?! i truly don’t understand why things happen the way they do. sure, she’s facing charges, but coming from what seems to be a bit of wealth, it won’t phase her in the least if all she gets is a huge fine. i don’t understand.
tyler, you’re missed greatly. everyone is still shaken, we all feel the pain, we’re all haunted with images, sounds, songs, and smells of you. it’s crazy, but it’s true. you were so important.
megan, don’t be stupid again. i’m afraid you won’t learn, but for god’s sake, just think things through.
i guess i’ll start with remembering last summer, and boy, it was an interesting one.
finals were over, and i had one day to pack my stuff before heading back to vermont. i was kind of dating jake, but it wasn’t official. we had talked for months, but it didn’t seem real because i wasn’t actually in the same state as him. hah! i made it home, and then things were real. he took me out to dinner and we went back to his house to watch a movie. i don’t remember much about the movie…not because we were too busy making out or having sex, but because i was nervous about the kiss i knew he’d want by the end of the night. talk about pressure. and finally, the night ended with an awkward kiss. well, make out session. we were inseparable for the whole month and a half i was home. it was surreal. i felt so close to him, but at the same time, i felt like he was forcing me to move faster than i wanted to. before him, the last person i kissed was in second or third grade. i know, PRUDE. anyway, i liked the physical stuff (we tried sex once, but i wasn’t ready, so it didn’t go quite as planned), but the idea of loving someone, let alone being in love, was scary to me. with jake, things were…interesting. we hung out at his house, went to parties (and got really drunk-a new thing for me), and just did random things together. it was definitely nice, and i guess they were normal. he introduced me to a lot of new things. the thing was, he treated me like a princess. i got sick of it, but right now, at this moment, i realize that he treated me the way i wanted to be treated, i just didn’t know how to handle it at the time. ugh.
the last day i was home, my best friend and her brother came over to pick up my old bed, since i wouldn’t need it and hers was a piece of crap. let me clarify: these two lived with me when my dad was dating their mom. i had always liked her brother…mark. you all know lots about him. things completely flipped. 180 degrees. seeing him, and experiencing what happened that day, it was crazy. i texted him all day long, and by the end of our conversation, i really thought i had a chance with him. that evening, i boarded my flight back to indianapolis.
there was a lot of family time between when i got back to indy in the middle of june from the middle of july when i went back to vermont for a second time. don’t ask me how i could afford all of this, but i managed to! i spent the 4th of july up at my family’s lakehouse in syracuse, in. it was amazing. i absolutely love that place. when you’re there, you can’t help but feel relaxed; without a care in the world. everything is perfect. this summer, i guess i could say it felt that way, but there were definitely a few days where i just wanted to scream and go somewhere by myself. i broke up with jake. because of mark. jake and i talked on the phone a few nights and i tried to explain to him why i was breaking up with him. i tried to avoid the mark aspect, even though i knew he wasn’t stupid. mark was what i had wanted for so long, and now that i knew i had a chance, i didn’t want to “cheat” on jake by trying something with mark. by the time i went back to vermont, i was single again.
mark and i hung out nearly every day. i felt like i was putting my other friends on the back burner because all i wanted to do was be with him. i’d sneak around, go out during the wee hours of the morning just to be with him. our favorite spot? willow park. we found a place to just sit, talk, look at the stars, and be together. it was perfect. no funny business, except for a lot of making out. i loved it. i’d get home at like 4 in the morning, but i didn’t care. yes, i did have sex with him, and no, it didn’t take much for me to give in. well, not really give in…just-i didn’t want to say no. a lot of our relationship was physical, i feel like. it was fun, like really fun. and that was important. i didn’t want anything too serious. it was summer, after all! i went up to his apartment in manchester once, and i didn’t want to leave. at all. it was so great to spend time with him and not worry about getting caught doing anything we weren’t supposed to.
for the time i was home, my major goal was to get him to break up with his girlfriend. oops, forgot to mention that. yeah, he had been dating a girl for seven months. homewrecker? yup. did i care? nope. he wanted me, i wanted him, and what he did with that other girl was his business. he finally broke up with her, telling me that things wouldn’t go anywhere with her anyway. i was fine with that, because now he could be mine.
i had to go back to indianapolis in the middle of august or so. i wanted time to get ready for school, and alyssa would be moving into the dorms a couple weeks before the start of school for ra training and all that fun stuff. she has a role in everything i said before, but i’m not too good at incorporating multiple themes. haha i had a layout in my head of how i wanted this post to go, and i didn’t want to confuse anyone with too many names. haha. anyways! at this point, her and i were still best friends. she still kind of had jon, and i had whatever i had with mark. boy, things have changed.
fast forward to this summer. 2011. it’s already been a roller coaster, in a way. the complete opposite of last summer. it’s the middle of may (when my summer really started), and marcy (mark’s sister) came out for a week. she looked for apartments with the hopes of moving in the beginning of fall/the end of summer, whichever worked out better. i’m not sure if i’m happy or pissed at the fact that she found ones that she liked and would consider moving into. don’t get me wrong, i love this girl, but she needs more attention than i think i can give her. i feel like i’m calling her an animal, but seriously. she doesn’t make friends well, and since i’m already here, i think she’ll stick to me like glue. i guess we’ll see though.
the day she left, i headed up to alyssa’s. i had an amazing time. being able to spend time with her, relaxing, doing fun things, or whatever we wanted. sadly, i had to come back to indy. well, i mean i really didn’t have to come back when i did, but i felt like i should. the time i spent with her-just wow. not just her, but her whole family. i got closer to everyone, and i loved that. i finally felt like i belonged somewhere. i never had that really close knit nuclear family like i feel she has. sure, they don’t always get along, but there’s a mother, father, and more than one kid. i was always the only one, and i got sick of it real fast. things were still kind of a mess because of tyler’s death. i don’t mean the house, i mean everyone’s emotions. you never knew what kind of day everyone was having, and there were more people to figure out than i was used to. but overall, i felt at home. i wish i didn’t have to leave.
now, i’m sitting here at my cousin’s house. the cousin who helped me lose weight the summer that i moved out here. the cousin who i can talk to about anything or anyone and know she’ll listen and not judge. i’m so thankful for that. two weeks until the family reunion up at the lake, and about two and a half weeks until a week in disney world. i’m super excited, but it’s weird. alyssa isn’t here. the closest i am to her is through texting. that was a horrible sentence, but whatever. i miss her. i miss my love bug. :(
i’m going to exercise and watch what i eat this summer. i want to get the rest of the weight off. last evening, brigitte (my cousin) and i went for a run/walk at the track by her house. we went about three miles, and boy, it kicked my ass! i haven’t done any hardcore exercising in months. i’m hoping it’ll get better and i’ll start to see results. i need to. i need to get healthy. sure, i’ve lost about 40 pounds since i moved, but i’m still not healthy. just healthier. alyssa is worried about me doing it the wrong way, but i won’t. i’ll do what i did before, and that worked really well.
as for the rest of the summer, after disney, we’ve got the 4th of july at the lake just like last year. i’m soooo looking forward to it. other than that, i have no idea. at this point, i can’t afford to go back to vermont. which means not seeing mark. i don’t know what we are anymore. and i don’t really care. if he doesn’t want to anything to make me think he cares, then i won’t either. done.
that’s where i am as of right now…i just can’t wait for things to actually get started.