i really don’t understand why the death of tyler is hitting me so hard. i never met him or anything, but i can’t stop thinking about him. it’s all over the news, facebook, and god knows where else the news has spread.
his blood alcohol level was 0.161; twice the legal limit. he was going too fast. he wasn’t wearing his seatbelt. all of these things have been drilled into everyone’s head who’s heard about this tragedy. he was only seventeen. he made bad decisions, but that doesn’t change anything.
he’s not coming back. he can’t come back. his family has been torn apart. they’re trying to glue themselves back together, but it seems that every time they try to do that, something breaks them apart again. it sucks.
phil, that poor boy. tyler’s brother…he’s only 15. he shared a room with tyler. he’s holding everything in. there’s nothing we can do to make him let it out. my guess? it’s eating him away from the inside out. we can’t afford to have anything happen to him too. that would be just absolutely fucking awful. he needs help, but i don’t know what to do. the other day, ma said it was up to him when he wanted to make their room into just his room-i almost started bawling. could you imagine having to do that?! i don’t even know. poor guy.
ma-yeah, i call her ma. i’ve never done that with anyone, but it just feels right. she makes me feel wanted, and she’s basically adopted me into their family without the whole legal thing. haha. she’s taking it the hardest. he was her first son. anything can trigger her to start sobbing, which i completely understand. it killed me to see her at the viewing and the funeral. when she was up by the casket, she stood there. staring. i don’t know what went through her head, but she broke down. i couldn’t do anything but watch, and start crying too. no mother should have to bury her child. ever.
pops-he’s another exception. nobody has ever played the father figure in my life…besides my dad. he took me in with open arms. he took alyssa and i mushroom huntin’ and shared his stories about everything. it was awesome. he’s taking it hard too. he’s a man, so naturally, he’s supposed to hold some of it in, but i really don’t know if that’s the best idea. i feel so bad. it kills me when he cries. never fails to make me do the same. when he sat with tyler’s best friend savhana on saturday night (the day after the accident), they talked for a good half an hour, nonstop, about tyler, life, and horses. it was incredible to just see how they interacted.
alyssa-i don’t know where to start. obviously her and i have this crazy connection, and her mood is my mood, and vice versa. when one of us is upset, the other is too. it kind of sucks with this because she’s been upset almost nonstop, with good reason. i don’t know what i can do except be here to listen to her and hold her when she needs me. she can’t sleep alone yet, which i understand. well, she can’t sleep at all, actually. i’m afraid she won’t be able to move back to a normal way of functioning. this has hit her pretty hard. she’s said some things to me the past few days about how she would have been more upset if i had died instead of tyler. i really don’t understand that, but i guess i don’t really understand how her relationship was with tyler anyway. bahh.
i’ve been listening to lots of country music lately. it reminds me of tyler, even though i never got to meet him…except at the viewing. that’s what i kept saying to myself, or to tyler, i guess-“it’s nice to meet you, tyler”. every time i said that in my head, i started crying again. i wish i could have met him, but i know it would have made this whole situation worse.
i need to get back to studying for my beast of a nursing test in less than two hours…fuck!
the moral of the story? don’t drink and drive, hold your loved ones close, and when you’re grieving, don’t push people away. everyone needs to come together.
gimme that girl-joe nichols
the impossible-joe nichols
if heaven wasn’t so far away-justin moore
(just some songs i want to always have a list of…they’re “tyler songs” in my head).
BEAUTIFUL WOMAN AWARD! Once you have been given this award, you are supposed to paste it in the ask of 8 women who deserve it. you break the chain nothing will happen, but… it’s always sweet to know that someone thinks you’re…beautiful inside and…out.
:3 <33 ~