it took me a while to figure out which “moment” to write about, but i think i’ve got a good one.
the moment that you told me you cut yourself. i couldn’t believe it. i couldn’t breathe. it was late at night, and i didn’t have anyone to talk to really. you and i had joked about it before…like when we were down and stuff, and i knew that i would never do that, but i didn’t think you would either. i guess i was wrong. you told me not to worry. that’s a good joke. i would hope that by now, you’d KNOW that i would worry about you. you mean so much to me. i think we’re working on fixing it now, but that night was definitely one of the hardest nights i’ve ever experienced. EVER. but at the same time, i’m glad you trusted me enough to even tell me.
so that’s my moment. a moment of confusion, sadness, and disbelief. :/
marcy-it’s kind of weird how we met. my dad started dating her mom, and i was kind of forced to meet her and get along with her. haha. at first, things were kind of weird and i didn’t want to get to know her, but after a while, things got much easier! we started hanging out a lot more, and became like sisters. when my dad and her mom broke up, it was horrible. i felt like i lost a part of my family. i was so glad that we stayed in touch though, because i’ve grown such a strong friendship with that girl. i love her to death <3 i can tell her anything and i know that she’ll be there for me when i really need her.
cj-i’ve known cj since i was in fourth grade. he transferred from sacred heart school in bennington to monument. we didn’t really start talking then though. i don’t even really know when it was! we got really close in high school, and then i started to like him, but every time i tried to tell him, he would flip out and there would be a period of time where we wouldn’t talk at all. when we went our separate ways for college, though, we became reallyyyy close. he knows absolutely everything about me, and he trusts me with quite a bit of stuff that he doesn’t tell anyone else (i think). it’s really an honor and i’m so glad he’s my best friend.
amber-i’ve known her since i was literally in diapers. my mom and her mom were friends, so that kind of forced us together. i had my first sleepover at her house! we had times where we weren’t as close, but overall, we’ve done everything together!
alyssa-i didn’t meet alyssa until i got to college. we were in both english classes together and things just clicked. it’s kind of crazy…the connection we have. it’s the kind where we finish each other’s sentences and know how the other is feeling without any hints. i go to her with all of my problems, and she’s always there. she can irritate me sometimes, but overall, we get along great!!
other friends who are just as important, but i’m too tired to write:
jen prouty, katie prouty, sara perry, jake murphy (that’s an interesting relationship), whitney leblanc…these people know the most about me!
i’ve finally realized that i’m happier without you. without thinking about you or talking to you, i feel like i enjoy life more. it’s hard to admit, and i don’t know how long this feeling will last, but we’ll see! i’m focusing on me for once.
“Never thought we’d have a last kiss
Never imagined we’d end like this
Your name, forever the name on my lips
So I watch your life in pictures like I used to watch you sleep
And I feel you forget me like I used to feel you breathe
And I keep up with our old friends just to ask them how you are
Hope it’s nice where you are
And I hope the sun shines
And it’s a beautiful day
And something reminds you
You wish you had stayed…”—"Last Kiss" by Taylor Swift
well, today was kind of blahh. nothing compared to last night. ;)
i went to bed at 4am and woke up at 10am…kind of. after i hit snooze a few times. hung around the house, showered, got ready, babysat from like 1-3:30, came home, relaxed ish, fell asleep for a few minutes, drove my two aunts to the ymca for euchre night, and now i’m back here! boringgggg. so that’s it!
i have a best friend like you. :) even when i don’t want to talk to ANYONE, i respond to your texts and messages because i know that you stop me from worrying about what was on my mind. and by the end of our conversation, no matter how long, i’m smiling. thank you for always being there.
surprisingly, today is soooooo much better than yesterday. almost like the polar opposite. maybe because it’s thursday and i don’t have classes tomorrow?! i’m not really sure, but i’m definitely not complaining. we’ll see how the night ends though.
for now, i’m thinking about doing some writing. <3
but i’ve been doing that ever since i started looking at your posts on facebook and here. for that, i apologize. it’s not like me at all. i doubt you’ll realize i’m talking about you in this post, but just know that i’m sorry.
16976.) Hi I'm a girl. I have unmeetable expectations of magic and fairytales about relationships and when you inevitably fail to meet them, I will cry my eyes out for weeks and turn you into poetry or a picture blog on tumblr about how I deserve more and not just someone's best.
to me, love is a connection you have with a person where you both care about each other. you struggle with various things, but you know you’ll get through them together because what you have is better than giving up. you’re similar to that person, in ways that help you become the best person you can be and want to be.
last night was absolutely horrible. i got pissed because you didn’t do what you were supposed to do (again). everything from that point on made me cry. i thought about everything. my dad calling me a failure, my mom not being here, my uncle going through his problems, people using me, people lying to me, issues with friends, school stress, nursing school, and not having someone who truly cares about me the way i care about them. i talked to my friend around 1am, and i am so glad that she was there for me. i told her i thought i was depressed, and she suggested going to the counselling center at school with her tomorrow (which would be today). i’m not sure if i’ll end up doing that or not. i just know that i hate feeling this way. i’ve recently felt like i don’t have a purpose. i’ve NEVER been like that. i have no idea what brought this on.
i think i’m focusing too much on other people, when i really need to set aside time to spend by myself and with my aunt, because i rarely show her how grateful i am that i can live with her for free throughout my college years. i need to focus on school so that i don’t get stressed. i need to stray away from relationships with the opposite sex. that obviously isn’t working for me right now. i just need some sort of solution.
i don’t care who reads this, or if anyone even does…i just wanted to get it out. it’s a lot for me to think about right now.
so whoever you are, if you’re reading this, thank you.
and if you know who i am and you’re reading this, i bet you didn’t see that coming, did you?
i want to have a relationship where we both care about each other, and the only time we fight is when we talk about who loves the other more. i don’t want to worry about getting jealous, distance, conflicts, or the next time i’ll talk to you. i want something and someone to make me happy. i want something to look forward to every day. i don’t want to cry almost every night because you don’t show me that you care or that you want committment like i do. i want something perfect. the sooner, the better. <3
ok, so here it is. you’ve been waiting for me to post something about this…i can tell.
i don’t know why i act the way i do whenever you talk about someone else. i wish i did, because believe it or not, it annoys me too. i really feel like i’m over you, but maybe there’s a part of me that can’t let go. i don’t understand it! i’m sorry for what i did, but i can’t take it back now, and i don’t know what to do. you’ve moved on, partially, and i want to be completely over everything that we had. i just don’t think i am yet. i’m not sure if i should apologize or what i should do. our relationship is so messed up. you know it, and so do i. tell me what to do.
and so you don’t have to ask me later, yes, this is about you.
well, it’s only 9:30am, but i felt the need to complain. haha all i’ve eaten so far today is a bowl of lucky charms. :P i think i have a wisdom tooth coming in (which hurts like a bitch!!), so it’s not easy for me to chew. how lame.
i’m so glad we got to talk. :) you made me realize that being single isn’t that bad. we both want the same thing, which is great! while we talked, i discovered that even though you may think that someone is way out of your league or has absolutely NO interest in you whatsoever, you could be completely wrong. and that’s what ended up happening. and i’ve realized how much i enjoy flirting. hahahaha. i hope we do what we said we were going to do, because i know it would be great. thank you for everything last night. hopefully we talk again soon.
that boys are so damn obsessed with video games?! seriously. i’ve wanted to talk to you all day, but i don’t want to interrupt “game time” or anything. i realize that it’s fun for you, but maybe talk to me…just a little bit? is that too much to ask?
well. my mom passed away when i was three. it was really hard for everyone in my family. i didn’t realize how hard it would be to live without a mother until i was faced with the fact that my dad would be dating random women and i wouldn’t have a say in who he was going to be with. ugh it sucked. he went through quite a few girlfriends and i only liked a couple of them. i guess i was kind of lucky though, because i got to experience a lot. i also met one of my best friends that way. a few weeks ago, i found a picturethat was apparently taken the day before my mom died. it was sooooo har to look at. a really random memory came back. the picture was taken at a birthday party, and i remember bringing home a blue balloon. i tried to tie it to our grill outside but it floated away. do you think that happened so my mom could have a piece of me in heaven or wherever she ended up?? i do, and that’s my crazy logic. creepy.
anyway, i’ve lived with my dad for my whole life. it was definitely a different experience, but i learned a lot. he has his flaws, but he gave me what i truly needed as best he could. there is one thing though, that i will NEVER forget. EVER.